Sunday, December 11, 2011

On Confidence, Social Exclusion and Fubuki Shirou

Confidence has always been my biggest issue. I just don't know how to actually have it.

I had a minor work setback a couple of days ago, and it's lowered my confidence severely in everything I do that's work-related. I think everyone else at my workplace is a significantly better writer than me. I'm scared that people at work don't like me anymore, or that I'm annoying. And you know what? All of those thoughts are really stupid and irrational. I know they're not true. They're fears that I have, though, and my brain makes them horribly real to me.

This all goes back to my lack of social acceptance as a kid. I feel like I have to be perfect at everything I do in order to be accepted, and that's not the case at all. I just assume I have to do everything and I take on insane amounts of responsibility - which of course then makes it impossible for me to actually do everything and therefore sets me up for failure. It's a horrible cycle that I can't break and I hate it. I hate that I think I have to be perfect. I hate that feeling of being alone, or losing people because I'm not good enough.

(Fubuki Shirou, my fictional equivalent in the confidence department.)

I couldn't even bring myself to draw a cartoon for this post because I don't have the confidence to waste my time on my art. Fubuki, who went so far as to absorb the personality of his deceased twin brother to make himself "perfect" and prevent his ever being alone, reminds me a lot of myself in that respect. I really feel like I have to be perfect to be socially acceptable at a point where I won't be judged. It goes back to me being made fun of for everything I did growing up. I'm paranoid that everyone's eyes are still on me and that they're all here to tell me I'm wrong and should give up. It's a terrible feeling. It makes you feel really alone, to be honest. It's what both Fubuki and I fear most.

I think I just need to go and cry now for a little while until everything returns to normal for me. I'm just so angry with myself for feeling this way.


  1. Aaargh can we at least get you to stop being angry at yourself? You feel what you feel. P.S. My confidence at work is on a hair-trigger and I've been at it a lot longer than you. I guess that's not encouraging...oops.

  2. waaah! I hate that one can understand mentally that this is just stinking thinking, one perspective, not necessarily the truth, etc, etc, but since the wounds aren't just mental, the mental/intellectual fix doesn't seem to totally work.