Friday, December 30, 2011

Moving On

It's almost the end of 2011, so I guess I should write about what was for me a very big year. Because this is a culmination post or whatnot, you get an actual photo of me (in my room at home) with my partner in crime, Murphy.

The first half of this year was really difficult for me - in between writing my thesis and navigating a lot of difficult stuff in my personal life, I ended up struggling with depression. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to be happy in your current situation, you can't. It just happens.

Things actually looked up once I graduated from college. Although there were a few months where I started floundering because I had no idea what to do with myself, I ended up getting my feet back under me and went back to my therapist. He got me back on the right track and eventually convinced me to join a group therapy session he was starting up every week for women. I'm the youngest member of that group. There's one other girl in her 20s, and everyone else is older. It's like I've gained four more mothers and an older sister, honestly. Having their guidance is wonderful. Because of all of them - and if you ladies read this, you know who you are - I finally feel secure in myself as a person.

For various reasons, I never felt secure as a person in the four years I was at college. There are a lot of factors, most of which are things that I'm not going to talk about at the present, but they're all behind me. I will say this, though - I learned a lot about people when I was at college. There are all kinds of people out there in this world - some will be good to you, and others won't be. Then there are those who are both. It's up to you yourself to successfully navigate your relationships with all of these people. For people on the autism spectrum - like myself - that's harder than it is for neurotypical people. It's a struggle to understand the people that care about us, let alone the ones that don't. It's harder to determine who those people are sometimes. Sometimes, we're even flat-out wrong about what people want from us. We've all experienced good and bad relationships (the story of my 2011) - the toughest part is determining what to do with them.

Sometimes, you just have to move on, too. And that's okay.

Wishing you all a wonderful 2012! Now we just have to hope the world doesn't end, right? Right.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Thank you for your support, everyone! Happy holidays!

This drawing I did of Barnaby and Louise was my holiday card this year. Since tonight Hanukkah begins and Christmas - and my dad's birthday - are on Sunday, I figured now was as good a time as any to wish you all the best for the holiday season!

I wanted to thank you all for reading this blog over the past two years - as my readership grows, support for Asperger's grows, and I really appreciate that. The more awareness we can spread, the better the future looks! I also owe you all a personal thank you for your support over the past year, especially as I've moved on from college and am attempting to find a place in the real world. I love you all so beyond much - you've really made me feel so welcome in the autism/Asperger's community and in the world as a whole. Thank you all for being there for me - it means so much to me, and I know I couldn't have done it without all of you.

Thanks, everyone, for being awesome. I'm so glad we're all friends. ♥

Sunday, December 11, 2011

On Confidence, Social Exclusion and Fubuki Shirou

Confidence has always been my biggest issue. I just don't know how to actually have it.

I had a minor work setback a couple of days ago, and it's lowered my confidence severely in everything I do that's work-related. I think everyone else at my workplace is a significantly better writer than me. I'm scared that people at work don't like me anymore, or that I'm annoying. And you know what? All of those thoughts are really stupid and irrational. I know they're not true. They're fears that I have, though, and my brain makes them horribly real to me.

This all goes back to my lack of social acceptance as a kid. I feel like I have to be perfect at everything I do in order to be accepted, and that's not the case at all. I just assume I have to do everything and I take on insane amounts of responsibility - which of course then makes it impossible for me to actually do everything and therefore sets me up for failure. It's a horrible cycle that I can't break and I hate it. I hate that I think I have to be perfect. I hate that feeling of being alone, or losing people because I'm not good enough.

(Fubuki Shirou, my fictional equivalent in the confidence department.)

I couldn't even bring myself to draw a cartoon for this post because I don't have the confidence to waste my time on my art. Fubuki, who went so far as to absorb the personality of his deceased twin brother to make himself "perfect" and prevent his ever being alone, reminds me a lot of myself in that respect. I really feel like I have to be perfect to be socially acceptable at a point where I won't be judged. It goes back to me being made fun of for everything I did growing up. I'm paranoid that everyone's eyes are still on me and that they're all here to tell me I'm wrong and should give up. It's a terrible feeling. It makes you feel really alone, to be honest. It's what both Fubuki and I fear most.

I think I just need to go and cry now for a little while until everything returns to normal for me. I'm just so angry with myself for feeling this way.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Help The Vectors Of Autism Project!

30 Days of Autism writer Leah Kelley has just written a great post on the Vectors of Autism Project, a documentary on autism in adults. This documentary looks amazing, you know. It might just get us even further up on the map for acceptance.

I know I don't have too many followers on this blog. However, I'm writing a quick little post asking you to help me out - if you're able to, please donate to the documentary fund or at the very least spread the word around! They're hoping to raise at least $5000 to complete the editing and hopefully enter the film in festivals, so help them out if you can!

If we each give a little bit, we can help a lot - this story deserves to be heard by both people affected by autism and those who are not. Please give if you can.

Thank you in advance! More strange happenings from my life, complete with stupid cartoons, will come soon.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Why Telling People To #KillYoself Is Wrong

Okay, let's talk about the internet and how it's betrayed me today.

I've been using the internet as a place to escape from my daily life since eighth grade. It was then that I discovered and learned to enjoy fandom. For someone who was picked on and made to feel inferior by the real world, the internet was somewhere safe I could go. I knew I could rely on it.

Nowadays, it's harder and harder to escape your problems online. In fact, you can find them even more easily.

There's apparently a hashtag on Twitter called #killyoself. According to, it refers to the following:
Commonly used to tell someone that the statement they just made is completely insane.
Now here's the problem - you should never, ever, under any circumstances tell a person to kill themselves. It's offensive. As more and more people in this country struggle with depression and bullying, telling someone to kill themselves, even if you're joking, can have serious ramifications. If someone's recovering from depression or a suicide attempt, how do you think they'd feel if they were told "kill yo'self?" It's extremely jarring. There are some things you just don't say to people.

I've had a very hard time over the years. My lack of social ability has often made me wonder about things, and if someone told me to 'kill yo'self' I would be really, really hurt and feel even more left out, regardless of whether they were kidding or not. I'd be questioning whether or not they actually liked me or whether I was actually worth anything. In extreme cases, reading that hashtag might actually be the thing that pushes somebody over the edge and actually leads to their suicide.

It is never, ever, under any circumstances okay to say that to anybody. You never know who you could hurt.

Friday, December 2, 2011

I'm Cutest To Straight Women - Why?

Here's something I don't think I'll ever understand.

People call me 'cute' somewhat often. I'm 22 now, so I don't fully follow why I'm still 'cute' and not pretty. But the weirdest part to me? The people who call me cute are mostly straight women.

I've never been called cute by a boy. Ever. I have been called cute by lesbians before, but it was in that same affectionate way that the straight women were using the term. I just don't get why it always seems to happen to me.

I dress in a somewhat odd fashion - namely, I take clothes that were originally designed to be masculine and have since been feminized. I wear a lot of blazers and hats. The cartoon I've drawn is a pretty typical outfit for me. I'd consider myself to be a fairly pretty girl who dresses distinctly - I don't follow the pack. Somehow, this fairly pretty girl with her own fashion sense is constantly labeled as 'cute.' By other fairly pretty girls. Who like boys and have no foreseeable reason to flail over how 'cute' I am.

Could someone explain this phenomenon to me? I just don't understand it. And on that note, if any of you reading this are boys, am I cute in a way boys would like?